Graduation Speech that no one cares about...

No score and 13 years ago, our fathers and mothers brought us forth on this continent to our new kindergarten classes, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men should be educated equally.

The first stage of my life was full of gusto. I was known as “The Screamer”. I’d scream and scream until either your brain imploded or you gave me back to Mom. Instead of a “beware of dog” sign hammered to the front door, my parents had a “beware of baby” sign.

When I grew sick of all that screaming, and went on to learn to talk and read and write, I made this mother’s day card for my mom, it asked for my mom’s weight. I said she weighed 58 lbs. Either I was a naive first grader or my mom was just incredibly anorexic, I don’t know which. This was the same stage in which I had an inclination to be brutally honest. When mom came home with her first perm, I told her she looked like a poodle. That was just my little way of saying, “I love you mom”.

Then there’s the stage when I have finally figured out mom’s true weight (which I am not at liberty to disclose at this time because I have not yet gotten my porche) but I still needed some maturing. I would go to the neighbor’s house and see if my friends could play. If they told me they were just about to leave and the kids couldn’t play, I would say, “That’s ok, I can find something around here to do while you’re gone.” They would always tell me no and I would tell them that my mommy said I could play! I think they learned very quickly that when they saw Rachel coming up the driveway to turn off all the lights, lock all the doors, and hide…FAST!

My next stage was the gullible stage. A neighbor girl told me that the earth had stopped spinning and started spinning in the other direction…. I did the mature thing and…told my sisters about the amazing news…that’s when I realized…I’d better think of a really good excuse for believing her…inclinea gullibitis?....

Next comes the teenage years…Need I say more? Hormones, mood swings, confusion, mood swings, growing pains, hormones, arm-pit hair, facial hair, hormones, confusion, hormones, mood swings… These are the years in which we revert back to our early elementary years. We do stupid stuff like sling rubber bands at each other, Joe Shmoe sends two girls to tell you he likes you and to ask you out a date to the roller-drome (THE ROLLER DROME! How romantic), and John Doe holds up a piece of holly and says, “Rachel! Mistletoe!”. Then I began to have the hots for him when he started to have the hots for this other chick and Joe Shmoe had the hots for me but I didn’t have the hots for him. Like I said- confusion and hormones.

This is just the beginning of the teen years. The later teen years you get a little bit more mature and ask the girl out yourself. You don’t need Holly and Carriesa to do it for you. This is where we are now. Look how far you’ve come. You can eat with a fork that successfully gets the food into your mouth- not by attempting to shove it through your face and only about 20 percent actually makes it into your mouth. You can tell your mother you’re hungry- you don’t have to scream and hope she gets the picture. Heck, you can get it yourself. You can hopefully tell that something isn’t quite right if your friend starts her story with “the earth stopped spinning”.

You are 17 or 18 now. For most of us this means that only about 20% of our lives are over. We have 80% of our lives still ahead of us. We have learned so much in this first fifth of our lives, think of how much more we can learn in the next four fifths of our lives. Don’t stop now that you have graduated from high school. You’ve all heard that cheesy graduation phrase “don’t think of your graduation as an ending, but as a beginning.” That may have been cute and clever the first time, but I disagree with this statement. The very day we were conceived we started learning and growing. That day doesn’t start today neither should it stop today. The cover of the book is designed, the table of contents and the prologue are written. We are just in the middle of the “prologue” and the “chapter one” stages of our lives.

The rest of your life, whatever job you choose- if you’re going to be a brain surgeon- put your whole heart into and you’ll succeed. Are you going to work for McDonalds? Put your whole heart into it. Are you going to be a professional channel changer?...put your whole heart into it. Are you going to join forces with Pinky and the Brain and try to take over the world.... good luck… I guess..? whatever it is, do with all your might for the people, of the people, and by the people and your legacy will not perish from this earth.

Useless Facts

A blonde found out that most car accidents happen within the five mile radius of your own house. She moved.

I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

They say that when ever a bell rings an angel earns his wings. What about those obnoxious Salvation Army Bell Ringers?

A frind once told me that if you owned pigs, they would sneak in your house when you weren't looking take a bath in your bathtub. I told her that was hog wash.

Why did they shorten "World Wide Web" to "WWW" when it's a lot longer and harder to say and write "Double-U, Double-U, Double-U." They only made it longer and more complicated.

I feel bad for dogs and cats. All they have to choose from for food is dried cardboard chunks or puke-in-a-can.

The way I see it the consitution goes both ways, the first amendment gives you the right to say what you want but the second amendment gives me the right to shoot you for it.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amatures built the Ark and professionals built the Titanic.

Psychic gets struck by lightening. If he was any good he might have seen that coming.

Dudes don't slap!!!!!

You want me to be your usher? I am not familiar with that term. How does one ush?

It has been comfirmed that the tomb of Christ has fianally been found. Inside the tomb, there was found a green bracelet that says, "What Would I Do?"

Healthy Winter!

FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US and NO NAKED SANTAS!!!!

The Most Important Junk I learned from Stout and Eyer's Classes

1. Math is False
2. One day Robo-Sapien II will be doing all our work
3. Genie is the Blonde Al-Qaida
4. All Rachels don't know from pretty
5. Save a tree, kill a writer. Save a forest, kill Stout and Eyer.
6. Whenever someone votes Republican, somewhere God kills a kitten.
7. HUBRIS!!!!!!!
8. Marry wealthy and if you are already wealthy, marry hot.
9. HA UPM AASM
10. Ninja Turtles are WEAK SAUCE!
11. Trevor plays Barbie games.
12. I R DVRCNG U CLITUS
13. If you leave gold lying around, rich white guys will show up at your door step.
14. Payton Manning is a gay football player. We hate the whole Manning family.
15. Burn the Bush!
16. Mel Gibson is the answer to everything.
17. Stout is God
18. Eyer's class is a dictatorship. As a student in his class, I have no rights.
19. Big Brother is watching you!
20. Stout's class is my life. All other things in my life are irrelevant.
21. Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
22. Don't steal! The government hates competition!
23. It has not yet been revealed to me!
24. FREE HAWAII!!
25. If you suck, Stout will fire you.
26. Teddy Roosevelt rocks!
27. It's EYER!! Not EYERS! There is only one man!
28. "Teacher Man why i no grajiate?"
29. Andy edits Stout's papers so if there is an error it's because Andy is slacking off.
30. Itch!!!!
31. THE FACE is watching you!
32. Since I don't like football, I hate America.
33. All students who attend Columbine (I mean Columbia) or Nampa are helping the terrorists and we must push over one of their trash cans every day!
34. BLOOD OF SQUANTO!!!!
35. Have a weekend
36. Festivus for the rest of us!
37. You can't say 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Holidays'! To be completely politically correct you must say 'Healthy Winter'!
38. All Scientists are crazy
39. If you don't vote for liberty, YOU WON'T GET IT!!!
40. Don't let Eyer fool you, keep Idaho green!